Tanning

Tanning: Overcome Feeling Sensitive Through Preparation

Meditation: A Refreshing Glass of Tea

Begin by taking 3 long, slow, deep breaths. Breathe in……..and breathe out. Breathe in……..and breathe out. Breathe in……..and breathe out. And let your breathing be slow and regular.

Allow your eyes to close and use your mind’s eye to picture a warm, sunny day. You are seeking some refreshment and decide to make a glass of fresh iced tea. You look for your tea pot and take out some tea bags. You know this blend well and look forward to the revitalizing flavor. You draw the water and set it on the stove to boil. As it heats, you prepare a jar for steeping and add the tea bags. You pour over the hot water and prepare to let it sit. After a few minutes, you find a tall glass and fill it with ice. The tea is ready, and you pour it over the ice to cool. Then, you take your first sip and it is so refreshing. You move outdoors and sit in the breeze and enjoy. The sun is shining and you are under the shade of a magnificent tree. You hear birds chirping and the rustle of squirrels in some fallen leaves. You revel in the fragrance of the tea and the taste on your tongue. The scent is fresh and delightful. You feel fully centered and in the moment. You finish your tea, return to your home, and peacefully move on with your day.

We will close by taking 3 long, slow, deep breaths. Breathe in……..and breathe out. Breathe in……..and breathe out. Breathe in……..and breathe out. Return your attention to the room.

Tanning - Preparation

It’s easy to get burned in life. We are strong and resilient as people, yet our skin is tender and can be damaged easily. It takes care and concern for ourselves and our environment to stay sound. We need preparation and care to avoid getting sunburned and feeling the aftereffects of that burn.

The same is true for our feelings and emotions: our heart and mind can be “burned” by our own misgivings, lack of honest and open communication, or offenses we endure - from within or from others. We can become emotionally burned and feel some lasting after-effects that can be similar to a serious physical burn, but in our hearts and minds.

It takes preparation to be aware enough not to get burned. We have to build our focus and overcome our frailties to be able to spot times when we will get burned and avoid those interactions: either literally in the sun, figuratively with other people, or ourselves.

Just like with sunscreen, we can take time and precautions emotionally not to become so burned. We may not want to become desensitized to emotion and change our sensitivity, but just prepare ourselves to be more shielded from the effects of other people’s emotions or actions so we are not as burned by these offenses.

On the emotional side, it’s knowing and keeping our boundaries and having coping tools to deal with the times other people burn us. This is a form of armor against the effects of other people’s burns. Exploring ourselves, and developing more self-love and self-affirmation, can really help us gauge the influence that other people’s words and actions have on us.

Also, open and real communication is essential - we have to be as honest with others as we expect them to be with us. We have to be mindful of our values, what we really want, and methods to effectively ask for and get what we need. If we better prepare ourselves for when we encounter a burning issue or influence, in the end, we can transcend the burn.

We may be very sensitive people and that’s a good thing. It means we have feelings and emotions that are real to us and we can respond based on these in given situations. When we come from a place of self-love and self-compassion, we can develop the preparation necessary to avoid every offense from giving us that emotional burn. As we address preparation, we can build the “tan” of life so the burning effect of others doesn’t leave us scorched.

As we know ourselves more and more, we can feel the balance and harmony that stems from remaining present, feeling our feelings, regulating of our feelings, and being capable of effectively communicating our wants and needs. As we have worked so diligently in this evolution, we can take a step back and see our progress and have pride in all of our accomplishments. We can appreciate more and more our growth, which has stemmed from consistent effort. We are people we truly love and adore. And, that self-love is a beautiful thing.

Parable:

One Spring, my best friend asked me if I wanted to start tanning in preparation for summer. I had never done so but she had much experience doing so in years past. I decided to try it, as I always burn so badly in the summer, as I am so fair-skinned.

I got a membership at a tanning salon and off I went. First, it was strange being in a coffin-like thing with these hot bulbs. Sometimes I tried one that had me standing up. Also, I could only tan for a few minutes at first.

I would turn a little pink, but no real burn. I added some oils and my tan got a little deeper and deeper each time. It was gradual and I really had to devote that time to myself and that tanning.

When summer came, my best friend and our families went out camping and there was a beach. We played in the water all day, so sunscreen would have done nothing. That day, for the first time in my life, I didn’t burn. I had prepared for that day for a few months and the sun felt good for once - no burn.

This way of preparation was possible because I planned for the future and took action. I was aware enough to think ahead and do something about a likely burn. Awareness and looking at past history enabled me to create a solution to a problem I was having.

When it comes to emotions and communication, I can do this as well. Look at the past to influence the future. I may be sensitive to the burn of others or ourselves, yet I can actively engage in changes to my communication, thought processes, and actions to make situations that are unmanageable become more manageable. This takes awareness and mindfulness of what hurts and what heals. I have to not only choose to make changes, I have to act on those choices. It may take some drastic changes to avoid a burn, but it’s worth it in the long run to have a more manageable life that helps me actualizes my vision for myself.

Moral Prepare ahead for times you may be sensitive, so you can avoid the burns of life.

Reflection:

Are there people or circumstances that burn you now?

When have you used preparation to avoid a “burn”?

What were the thoughts and actions you did in preparation?

Does mindfulness help your awareness so you are better ready?

How could you deepen your focus in order to avoid getting burned?

When were some times that honest, open communication has helped you avoid a burn?

How would it feel to be able to prepare and not be burned or burned so badly?

Exercises:

Asking for What You Want

In this exercise, you will be learning a communication strategy that will help you get what you want. The purpose is to develop more effective communication and help you achieve your goals and prepare for a conversation to get what you desire.

Take a moment to get centered and stay in a mindful state of mind, both now and when you discuss the needs you have with others. Employ some deep breathing, visualization, or another easy, immediate coping strategy to get yourself in a centered frame of mind.

Get your journal or some paper and a writing utensil. Title a page with the person or situation you have an ask for related to your needs and wants. Think of a situation that needs to be resolved or someone that you have distress over due to your needs or wants not being met. This could be related to relationships, home, work, or school. Any situation that you feel your needs and wants are not being met or you need to have your needs and wants met, to start or stop something that distresses you, or when something or someone makes your life unmanageable. Keep this brief and to the point.

When you are communicating your needs and wants, you can follow a pattern. First, think of the facts of the situation, and stick to the facts, and write these down in bullet points. What is the situation about and what are the dynamics should be included in the facts. Who is involved and what is going on are other elements to add.

Next, focus on your feelings and emotions related to getting what you want. Gather those thoughts and write them down, without blaming another person. Keep to “I feel” statements and how the needs you are not getting met affect your feelings, emotions, perceptions, and actions. Think about how you really feel, on a deep level, and how the situation affects you.

Then, write down your “ask” for what you want or what you may be saying no to in the situation. Be direct and focused in your ask. You may want or need certain things or want to say no to something that is going on in your life. Make it clear, don’t sugar coat the issue, and be brief.

Finally, describe why getting what you want would make you, the other person, or the situation more effective and better for you and them. Clarify both the positive and negative consequences of the situation and getting what you want. Talk about the rewards that will happen when you achieve what you want. This ask may involve a question to get feedback from the other person on how to resolve the issue and get you what you want, which normally falls at the end of the statement.

Here is an example: “Sometimes when we are together, you are very quiet and don’t respond to me, either my questions or when I offer you some affection. I feel very distant from you in those moments and it feels like we are having a communication breakdown. What I would like to see is us both comfortable enough to respond to each other in those moments. I believe that more open communication and balanced responses would be beneficial for us. If we don’t resolve this issue, we may have a communication breakdown and not understand each other well. I would really appreciate your feedback and us coming to some ideas of ways to keep our communication open. What can we do to better respond together at those times and how can I let you know I am feeling this way?”

Another example: “I have been working for this business for three years, and I have not received a promotion or raise. I feel like my work is valuable and I am efficient. I would like to discuss what I would need to do to be considered for a raise. Having my effort rewarded by a pay increase would help me feel more appreciated and rewarded at this job. What can we do to open a negotiation about a pay increase?”

Final example: “We have been spending about $250/month on eating out. I am feeling concerned about this spending, because we are getting behind on other bills. I would like us to work together and plan more meals at home and say no to going out to eat so much. Saving this money will help us meet our financial goals and keep our bills current. How can we work together to eat more often at home?”

Remember, stay mindful and calm when you present your ask and stay as focused and clear as possible. Another way to get what you want if the person doesn’t receive your invitation to communication favorably, is to act like a “broken record”. Stick to the above method and keep repeating all the steps above over and over. This is especially important when saying no to something. Don’t be afraid to say no over and over until the no is accepted and honored.

Were you able to plan out more effective communication? Was it helpful to see the plan on paper so you could better think it through for your delivery? Did you enact your plan? How does it feel to use this method?

Arguments

In this exercise, you will be looking closely at a current, past, or ongoing argument you have had with another person or yourself and understanding where the communication breakdown is happening. The purpose is to develop better strategies to understand the other person’s perspective and your own. Ultimately, you are striving for compromise and also getting what you want and be prepared to communicate more effectively.

Think of an argument or disagreement that you have had or are having within yourself or with another person. This could also be a bigger issue in your community or society that troubles you and causes distress. Pick a situation that causes your emotions to flare and one that triggers you as well, to anger, anxiety, or fear.

Get your journal or some paper and a writing utensil. Take a perspective shift “back” and look at the situation from an Eagle Eye perspective. Look at the bigger picture. Write the facts of the issue in bullet points. Try and leave out the emotions. Some examples may be “When we talk, the conversation gets loud and we lose the ability to hear and listen to each other.” “My coworkers do not fulfill their job duties on our shift.” “There are signs of climate change that are irrefutable.”

Next, write the emotional response from your perspective, then from a totally different perspective, perhaps of the other person or people or an outsider. This may be an opposite point of view or an Eagle Eyed versus Mouse Eyed way of looking at the situation. Ask yourself about how it feels on both sides of the issue. Write down this opposite perspective of the issue at hand. Some examples may be “I have to get loud to be heard.” “I have other things on my mind than work.” “I have a right to do whatever I want, where ever I want, regardless of the climate consequences.”

Then, write where the communication breakdown really is in the experience. Ask yourself who is saying what and the barriers that come between the two perspectives. Perhaps it is the times that the issues are addressed or the forum. The dispute may arise simply because it’s a bad time to discuss it. Maybe there are bigger issues that have to be addressed in the individual before they can communicate effectively. Or, maybe your ask is emotion-laden and not focused on actually getting what you want and need, but lies in you venting your emotion rather than arriving at a solution.

Finally, ask yourself what communication strategies you could use to overcome the breakdown in communication. Think about the exercises you have previously completed in this book. Write down a script of what you need to say and how and where you need to say it. When you are done, look over the thought process you have had and apply some of the solutions you have arrived at for the situation.

Were you able to tease out the bigger and smaller details of the issue? Were you able to figure out some communication strategies? Are you willing to apply these strategies to the situation?

Replying Effectively

In this exercise, you will be planning for some effective replies to people in your life. The purpose is to reflect and develop a plan so you can be more effective in your communication.

Think of three people you would like to better communicate with. Get a large sheet of paper, some glue, a marker, and photos of the different people you would like to more effectively reply to in given situations.

In your journal or on some paper, brainstorm a shortlist for each person about what topics you would like to talk about more effectively, and be concise in your topics. Now, write out a few sentences as replies to each topic that you brought up for each person. Write down what you would really like to say to get what you want related to the topics.

Take the photos and arrange them on the large sheet of paper. Use the marker to write around the person’s photo the topics you would like to discuss and branch off the replies you will make to engage the person in more effective communication. Make a map of how to better communicate on the topics with these different people, in preparation to speak and reply to them more effectively.

What was it like to literally “map out” a plan of replies on topics you need to address with three people? Are you willing to enact your plans? How would it feel to be able to better communicate on these topics?